


Sacrificial Resolve

by Oliver__Niko



Category: A Saga of Light and Dark - T.J Chamberlain
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Moderate self-hatred and referenced suicidal tendencies, Original Character(s), light Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:08:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25958011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oliver__Niko/pseuds/Oliver__Niko
Summary: Nerissa has never considered herself dismissive of her safety and whether she lives or dies, although comes to realise that her wish for a self-sacrificial death is a sign of exactly this.
Relationships: Ada Archer & Nerissa Smith
Comments: 6
Kudos: 3





	Sacrificial Resolve

**Author's Note:**

  * For [silver_fish](https://archiveofourown.org/users/silver_fish/gifts).



> This is a commissioned fic for a good friend of mine! I adore their OCs and it was a blast to write them. I plonked them in a more RPG-like fantasy world, however, as I didn't feel the most confident writing their canon one.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

The sound is only slight. Low heels settling down onto grass, stepping forward in near silence. Nerissa is grateful for the intensity of the wind around her. Not so strong for her clothes and wings to reveal her location, but more than enough for those rustling feathers to blend with the trees.

Her grip tightens on the handle of a knife. Further, further—blue-grey eyes narrow to focus their vision. This never becomes easier, although she's more than used to it by now.

Frost envelopes the blade. She shouldn't need too much. A quiet exhale, hand fidgeting to get a firmer grasp.

Her arm swings out. A silver blur shoots through the air and plummets into its target.

"Oh!" is the gasp behind Nerissa when the rabbit falls to the floor.

"There," says Nerissa, straightening up. Her gaze flickers to the birds which have startled and flown away. "I think that should be enough meat for now."

"Thank goodness."

With an amused smile, Nerissa turns her head to meet the green eyes of Ada. "Does this still make you queasy?"

"A bit. But I know it's necessary for everyone."

"You don't have to watch me pick it up. Maybe you can see if there's any fruit or something nearby?"

Ada nods, her smile finally returning to her. "Sure! Be right back."

The priestess is rather quick to flee. Smiling to herself with amusement, Nerissa heads over to collect her game. It's only part of Ada's healing nature that she would be so hesitant around hunting. Even Nerissa herself took time to adjust. Taking any kind of life, after all, is difficult to become indifferent to.

The life of those she loves, however, are far more important. This is a needed sacrifice for their own survival. It always is.

She cleans up the game as much as she is currently able and places it into a bag. Best to cook it as soon as possible. At almost exactly the moment she contemplates if it'd be best to do so now or later, she's turning at the sound of Ada bursting through some bushes.

"Guess what I found!" she exclaims. And, without even waiting for Nerissa to say a word, "There's a strawberry bush right over there."

Those words prick Nerissa up immediately. "Oh, they'd be lovely to use in a dessert. Let's go get some."

Ada smiles, pulling on Nerissa's wrist to guide her in the right direction. She's led through some trees before the red fruits appear in their vision. She cannot help smiling herself.

"These have grown wonderfully. They look so juicy." She holds onto a stem, pulling it towards her to have a closer look at the strawberries. "I want to eat one now, but …"

"I'm not healing you if you make yourself ill from eating unclean strawberries."

"I know, I know."

Instead, Nerissa begins to pop the fruit into another bag on her hip. How tempting it is to toss one into her mouth. Wild strawberries like these are always the best, untampered with and filled with—

She straightens at a distant blood-curdling scream.

“What was that?” Ada says. Her own head has shot around in the direction of this horrific sound.

“I don’t know, but whatever it was, it doesn’t sound good.” Nerissa reaches out and grasps Ada’s arm when she begins to walk forward. “Ada!”

“I’m not about to be reckless,” Ada says, gently easing Nerissa’s hand off her arm. “It’s you who does that, not me.”

Nerissa opens her mouth to deny this, although doing so would be nothing more than her lying through her teeth. It’s not as though she tries to be this way. Although perhaps not trying is her issue; that she doesn’t attempt to be any different.

Still, as the pair begin to hurry east, she says, “This kind of stuff happens a lot on the road. It’s not worth getting yourself hurt for.” Here it is again—a lack of empathy which causes her chest to grow tight with frustration at herself. Although it’s not as though she doesn’t care for the life that lies on the end of what now appears to be shouting. She simply understands that death, however awful, is all a part of that cycle, and her focus is on herself and those close to her.

Sometimes, there’s room for little more, which is why her heart is beginning to pound as the two head out into a clearing. Her own life is far from the height of her fears. It’s the girl by her side instead.

“Help!” The shouts are now clear enough to hear. “Please, help us—”

The source of these voices are instantly clear. A carriage has toppled on its side, horses long since gone. It’s no wonder they fled. For the predators preying on a trio who are laid by the carriage are horrifying, even from this distance. Hellhounds. Five of the damned things, much larger than a regular wolf, their fur as dark as obsidian. Creeping closer. They seem to mock the humans in their approach, as though tantamount to a cat playing with a mouse rather than a dog merely hunting meat for survival.

“Can we handle this?” Ada says quietly. Her eyes are wide, hands gripping tightly on her staff. Even she, with her healing nature, knows to not take on a challenge that will cause the pair to not leave here alive.

Nerissa, despite her previous words, nods; it’s not as though she has never dealt with this many of the beasts before, even without Ada by her side. She takes a knife in her hand. Frost envelopes it.

“Hey!” she shouts. It startles Ada, but she immediately recovers from Nerissa’s sudden, bold plan.

“I’m sure I have plenty more meat on my bones than children!” Nerissa’s heart sinks. She has only now noticed that the fallen trio consists of a mother and her two children.

“W-wait—” says this mother when the five hellhounds turn at the shouts from Nerissa and Ada. They’re now on the prowl for this pair instead. Not that large, either, now Nerissa has a better look at them; this should be more than easy enough to deal with.

But even monsters who are not as large as others are more dangerous in packs. They have to be separated now, whilst they're still wary and inspecting their new prey. And one provides exactly this opportunity when one howls and sprints forward.

Nerissa is calm when she sends a blast of water into the hellhound. It's sent off course, revealing the way for the other beasts to charge forward. It's a blur through Nerissa's reflexes. She and Ada use their magic together to spread out the monsters. Nerissa sprints forward and plunges her knife into one of the beasts. Harsh ice enveloping the wound, a howl of pain released in response.

“Ada, go heal them!” Nerissa shouts once Ada has brought down a hellhound herself. Ada likely wants to speak out to Nerissa, voice concern, but the situation is much too dire, too fast-paced to do so. Nerissa is already dodging out of the way of a giant paw lashing out at her.

“Come on,” she says. “Keep your eyes on me, doggies.”

Two prancing forward. Nerissa a blur as she sweeps them up in an ice spell, shards erupting from the ground. Her knife greets them when they’re on the floor. She realises now that they’re only pups, even if ones a little older; they would not die so easily otherwise.

“ _Argghh!_ ”

Nerissa spins wildly; there is no way for her to ignore such a terrified scream of a little boy. The remaining two hellhounds didn’t ignore Ada when she returned to the family’s side. And she’s in the midst of healing, vulnerable—”

True terror over the situation finally finds Nerissa. She sprints towards them, knife in hand. Her wings help boost her into the air. She drives the blade into its neck on the way down. It thrashes, shaking her off onto the ground. She stumbles towards the family despite blurred vision.

The most she can see in this spinning world is the paw extending towards Ada.

Should she have taken a split second to focus on Ada herself, see how the girl is now tightening her grip on her staff ready to retaliate, Nerissa could be rational. But Nerissa is not as such. Not when it comes to those she loves, when the fear of losing someone else clutches so tightly at her chest she cannot breathe.

Her vision becomes a tunnel, trapped inside and only able to see what is in front of her and nothing else.

A knife is swung at the beast’s paw, Nerissa’s body sliding in front of Ada. She’s screaming. The children are crying. And when the beast snarls, crimson eyes now on Nerissa, she’s not sure how she feels.

Relieved, perhaps, that she would be allowed to die when protecting someone else. That her sacrifice could actually mean something.

The hellhound’s other paw lifts. The last thing Nerissa sees is a flash of green magic before darkness consumes her.

* * *

A soft grunt escapes Nerissa’s lips. It takes a while for the darkness around her to fade. Her mind is also slow in catching up to her. When her eyes are finally opening, adjusting to the light around her, she has no clue on where she is or how she’s ended up here, until she notices the blue material cast over her. A tent. And considering she’s alive, lying on a sleeping bag and covered in a blanket, she knows she must be in that which belongs to her and allies.

She sits up. Or at least, she attempts to—a hand reaches her head with a wince, although in reality, she could have reached any single part of her body. She swears every inch is covered in an ache.

“Oh, shit,” she murmurs to herself. She scuffles along the sleeping bag. Pain through the nerves in her back suggest the beast had managed to injure her wings too, either in the process of the blow which knocked her unconscious or afterwards. Not the best of combinations. Regardless, her hands are flat against the sleeping bag, ready to push herself back up to her feet.

A hand on her chest stops her. “Nerissa, stay.”

Ada’s voice, although Nerissa had already recognised her by that hand. Nerissa glances up at her, then around the room; Ada must have been sitting on a stool in the corner. “What happened?” asks Nerissa. “Did they hurt yo—”

“I’m fine, Nerissa. Don’t worry.”

Nerissa wishes those words were enough to comfort her. She allows Ada to gently push her back on the sleeping bag, stretching her legs out again. She is reassured enough to allow this. Her thoughts, however, are still frantic, eyes scanning over Ada in search of injuries she could be hiding.

“Again, what happened?” says Nerissa.

“Well, the hellhound recovered from the knife you sent in its neck,” says Ada. “And—I guess in a blind state of panic, you stayed in front of us, shielding us as it attacked. I was too taken over by fear to do anything. The moment it attacked you, however, I recovered and killed it.”

These words are quick to be followed by a certain expression from Ada—one that tells Nerissa she is in for a lecture. “What?” she snaps, perhaps too harshly.

“You didn’t have to jump in front of us. I was going to shield us with magic.”

“Well, I didn’t die, so it does it matter? What if you hadn’t been able to shield yourself in time? You froze fast enough over your worry for me getting hurt. Who’s to say that fear wouldn’t have done the same to you?” Nerissa folds her arms, eyes averted away from Ada’s. “If that happened, both you and that family you were protecting could have died. Four people dying at once would have been worse than me dying alone.”

The pause Ada has is satisfying—Nerissa knows, to an extent, she agrees. Soon, however, she says, “Yet the best option would have been for you to let me handle it and none of us be harmed. Do you not have faith in my prowess, as I’m more based on healing?”

“That’s not what I was saying,” Nerissa mutters. She refuses to let guilt find her. “I know you’re powerful. Too much so, even, to question why I sometimes get more credit when you’re this strong. I know you have that power to protect yourself.”

“Even so, you still jumped in the way to shield me.” There’s a pause, a crease of Ada’s eyebrows. “You’re important.”

“And you aren’t?”

Avoiding those words as always. Because of course as a renowned mercenary, one who has saved countless lives and is known across the lands as someone to rely on, Nerissa is theoretically of importance. However, when Ada says this, she means it with a deeper meaning. She sees worth in Nerissa, the kind of worth that means Nerissa deserves to live regardless of the role she plays. Even if all of this was different, if they lived in a different world with lives completely unlike what they have now, Nerissa would still be seen through those eyes. Eyes which find something to celebrate in everything that makes Nerissa herself.

And she isn’t sure on how she feels about that, other than to be wary, frightened.

“Nerissa, it’s worrying me.” Ada’s voice is that little desperate, although has softened simultaneously. “How much you will try to sacrifice yourself for others.”

“Isn’t that noble?” She’s not sure if she’s being sarcastic or not. After all, her mind has become so focused on this ideal of noble sacrifice, of putting others first, that she isn’t sure anymore if this is the truth, or is merely what her own mind tells her. “I’m supposed to save lives. Isn't that my job?”

“Not at the cost of your own. You deserve to live the same as anyone else.”

“I don’t …”

Nerissa’s eyes avert away. She has to hold in a sigh. Deep down, perhaps she knows this. Or at least, she understands that this is what others believe. She, too, deserves life. She deserves happiness, joy.

But … No, she doesn’t know if she can say that she thinks this is all nonsense. There is truth here that she can acknowledge. It’s complicated. As though she doesn’t exactly want to hurt herself, and yet … Sometimes, it truly is as though her own life has never mattered.

“Here.” Ada sits on the side of the sleeping bag. “I’m going to heal your injuries more. Little by little, I can heal most of them myself, although you may need time to heal yourself in order for the pain to completely ease. Especially your ribs—a couple were cracked.”

Nerissa doesn’t reply. She’s silent as Ada scoots closer, holding out her hand towards Nerissa. A sigh escapes the latter’s lips when the magic envelopes her. Such a warm, relaxing feeling, one she can feel lost in. Her eyes are closed briefly, but it’s not long before they are watching Ada instead.

Her green eyes filled with concentration. Blonde hair falling past her face. There’s concern in that expression, but also other emotions Nerissa is able to spot through how deeply she knows Ada. Relief. Gratitude. It must be because of how thankful she is that Nerissa, all but for some pain and scrapes and bruises, is fine.

She’s such a selfless soul. As are so many magic-users who excel in healing, exactly as she does. It’s a normal part of their nature. Only with Ada, Nerissa strongly believes her personality would be the exact same, even if she were not such a powerful priestess. She simply has hands that were born to heal.

It’s no wonder that despite all the teasing Nerissa gives Ada about her struggle with hunting, it’s completely understandable for her to find it so difficult.

Her selflessness is also different. Nerissa is able to see that. And Ada likely can as well, which is what is causing her to say all of this to Nerissa in the first place. Ada doesn’t have this urge to harm herself to protect others. Granting this protection is simply what she does. Natural, calm. All the things that Nerissa does not see in herself.

“How do you feel?” asks Ada.

Nerissa hums, bringing her attention to her body. “I think I’m fine. Ribs hurt a lot, but aside from that, I kind of feel like you do when recovering from flu. Body aches and tiredness, but not too lousy.”

“That’s good. Some more bed rest and you’ll be back to normal.” A pause, before Ada adds, “And you _will_ be resting, Nerissa. No charging out there before you have the chance to.”

“ _Yes,_ mom.”

“Nerissa.”

“I’m kidding. I know.” It sucks more than anything, and Nerissa knows she will not likely be able to resist the urge to get back to normal for long, but she’s not careless enough to refuse. “Thanks, Ada. For all of this. I’m sorry for worrying you.”

Ada’s head lowers. “I—I know you are. But Nerissa, if you really are sorry for this, please bear what you’re doing in mind. It’s not healthy, the way you can be at times.”

Nerissa’s own gaze averts away from Ada. A deep exhale. She only understands this vaguely. Perhaps she is so caught up in what her mind deems as ‘correct’ for her to do, she has never truly thought about the harm her mindset causes.

“It’s as though you don’t value your own life enough to protect it, only others,” Ada continues. “Sometimes I wonder if you wouldn’t mind if you lost it. And that perhaps if you were to lose it, you see dying for others as the ‘best’ option. Of course, I believe you not dying at all is best, but … When I see you act this way, that is what I personally believe you think.”

There’s silence as Nerissa processes these words. Is it true? She’s uncertain if she considers herself actively suicidal. She is simply also unsure if the perfect opportunity arises for her death, she would choose to avoid it regardless. Dying in a ‘better’ way, one which doesn’t require what she would see as cowardice in herself, does certainly appeal to her more.

She’s quiet when she says, “Yeah. I can see that.”

“Is that something you want generally? To … die?”

Without a thought, she shakes her head. “I don’t think so. Not really. I think it’s like what you said. I think there’s a part of me who’d choose a way out that seems more fitting to myself. I mean, it’s kind of obvious that protecting other lives are important, so—”

“There’s that again,” Ada says quietly. “Nerissa, other lives are not more important. And before you talk about the quantity of people dying,” she adds quickly when Nerissa’s mouth opens, “imagine if all of us had this mindset. It would only cause us all to get hurt more, because all of us would throw our lives around as though they mean nothing.”

“Yeah, but—”

“And you talk a lot about quantity. What about all the lives who won’t be saved if you were to die? No matter how much you believe your biggest flaw is your lack of empathy, you still care for others in your own ways, and will protect them whenever it’s possible. Especially those you do love. Imagine what would happen to all those people in the future if you were to die now and not be able to save them.”

These words are enough to stun Nerissa into another silence. Her eyes are wide, staring into those green irises—so bold, despite Ada’s caring nature. It’s difficult to find fault in her words. All Nerissa says, time and time again, is how her value is determined by her strength. Ada’s notion complements this in a way even Nerissa cannot argue against.

Her gaze drops down. “You … you have a point. I guess.”

“I know I do.” She says this in a partially amused tone, although out of the corner of Nerissa’s eye, she sees a gentle smile on Ada’s face. “I think there’s still importance in your survival, regardless of who you save in the future. But you do fail to forget what you will do as well, not just the futures of those other people. If you ever want to sacrifice your own life for someone else, try to think of this, at least. And together, we can work on you finding value in yourself away from it." 

Nerissa’s hand is now in Ada’s. The former watches the thumb tracing over the back of her own, before she finds she’s smiling too, even if strained. “All right. I do know it’s an unhealthy mindset to have, and I’m working on it. Just might take some time.”

The hand holding hers squeezes. “That’s okay. It always does. I’ll be right here supporting you, every step of the way.”

Nerissa finally meets Ada’s eyes again, this time with a smile that is genuine. She’s learning, little by little. Perhaps one day, she will see another end for her life than self-sacrifice.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Feel free to find me on Twitter @Oliver__niko and @nikobynight.


End file.
